April 3, 2017

This may sound strange, but I have never known God was more real then when I started to question Him.

To be frank, in the past year there have been moments when I have thought I despised God, creation, the fall, and so many other stories from the Bible.

I started to question this strange thing that I had worshiped and felt so passionately for.

Why was I praising something that did not care for me?

Why have I invested and devoted 20 years to something that I felt nothing from?

A million thoughts have run wild in my brain in times of doubt, but that is when I know Jesus is there the most.

I feel my heart desiring to be deeper with this “God.”

I feel myself wanting to be known.

I feel my mind waiting for Him to fill it with peace that supersedes all things.

Why would I long for any of these things if I did not know He was real from the very beginning?

If God truly was not there and has not ever existed, my heart would not long so intensely for something bigger than humanity.

God’s quietness, and what has felt like His abandonment has never been more eye opening to me then it is right now.

Yet to anyone, including myself, this all sounds disgusting.

Why would I even want to worship something that does not comfort me in my greatest times of despair?


But right now even in my time of need I know He is here because I would not have the boldness to write this if I was not sure.

So that brings me back to this statement, “did He ever really leave, or has He always remained?”

My deep love, longing, and strength would not come from a relationship that was just handed to me.

I have realized people don’t want to hear a powerful story from someone who almost went through something…and then God saved them from it.

People want to speak to people that God has worked with through their struggles.

This is why in my times of complete doubt, I know God has never been more relevant.

Since December 2015 I have been battling this anger, but I realized my relationship with God has never been more raw and real than it has been this past year of pain and sorrow.

I realized that even if my relationship with God has lately been full of anger, doubt, and insecurity…it is still a relationship and that is something to be acknowledged.

If my relationship with Christ was truly severed, I would not be full of questions and concerns.

I would have been full of complete complacency and unbiased opinions.

This anger is fuel to knowing there is more.

Even painful character traits can be used for complete beauty.

Ashes rise up time and time again into a creature that is far greater than ever before.

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