Madi Cowell

When I look around and I see people say that God is dead, or was never real, my mind is so boggled.

But can I really blame them for making these claims?

When I turn on the news, read magazines, or even participate in conversations with strangers, I am bombarded with tragic stories of what has become the norm in our world today.

But my mind is not boggled just because I am a Christian girl who has never even once opened up her mind to all the other possible outcomes.

Because I have…

I have spent hours researching different religions.

I have read books on different religions.

I have studied different sections from the key religions that make up the world we live in.

This is simply because I want to be educated and open-minded to those around me who may feel or view things differently than myself.

I want people to know me for who I am and what I stand for, yet still consider me to be one of the most loyal and kind-hearted people they have ever met.

It seems like in today’s society the two do not seem to mix any longer.

Love and religion in today’s generation are drifting farther and farther away from one another, even though they are supposed to be the exact same thing.

But progressive thinking does not have to come with the loss of religion.

To me, if society is progressing in its thinking and religion chooses not to accept those people for who they are…then we are being just as large of hypocrites as anyone else.

Could Christians themselves truly be the ones who have caused people to be so hateful towards their religion?

I do not think that all things that are claimed about Christians are true, but some of them we must admit to.

Once I chose to truly own my faith in high school, I realized…Christians are constantly under a microscope.

Some people choose not to believe in God solely because all they are seeing around them is hateful, fake, judgmental people.

It is sad that a religion that is supposed to be so loving, is so legalistic.

I wish I could see when this happened, and why religion and rules can turn people from people of peace, to people of disgust.

Christians may say it is not fair that we are held up to such high standards, that we are the first to be ridiculed, but it is fair.

2 Timothy 3:12 and Matthew 5:10 are perfect examples that God does in fact say that this is what is supposed to happen.

I know this post may sound like I am ranting, but the point is to say that in situations like we are seeing in today’s society, the people who claim to be the most loving, peaceful, and caring should be the first to be there for those who are being discriminated against in any way.

It does not matter what someone’s race, sexual orientation, mental state, economical status, or anything else may be.

We are called to love, and that is all we should be doing.

Could it be that in today’s society the reason why so many people hate religion and specifically Christianity is because of the people they meet?

I have met many people in my life who have told me they never want to have a relationship with the Lord because of the attitudes they have seen illustrated through other Christians.

Just like our country is progressing in its thinking today, I believe those who love the Lord also need to stay educated in what is going on in order to continue loving people in the best way possible.

With all that to say, this past week’s tragedies have burdened my heart so badly.

Our country needs more love, more protection, more affection, more regulation, and more acceptance of all individuals.

And I believe it starts with you and I.

TW: Mental health, OCD, phobias

This post contains brief mentions of sexual violence; if you in any way feel you may be triggered by this, do not read. Here is a resource for support: https://www.rainn.org/after-sexual-assault

One of the main reasons why I began this blog was to help people better understand mental health, and fight against the stigmas that come along with them.

I want to talk about OCD.

I feel like this mental illness might be one if not the most downplayed, overused, and generalized disorder out there.

I have gotten so sick of hearing people make fun of this issue, or say they are “so OCD” about something, when they have no idea what really this illness entails.

When people overgeneralize words and feelings, it makes it much harder for those who really are struggling deeply with this issue to stand up and try to be heard.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a neurobiobehavioral disorder that entails obsessions followed by compulsions in order to temporarily relieve anxiety.

Obsession is the part of the disorder that cause a one-track mind. It can cause someone to be unable to focus or think about anything else because of how bothered and consumed he or she is with the obsession.

Compulsions are behaviors, rituals, or mental thoughts that, for an extremely short amount of time, can relieve anxiety or distress from the person.

There are six types of OCD: Checking, Washing and Cleaning, Ordering and Repeating, Pure Obsessions, Hoarding, and Scrupulosity.

I have put the ones I struggle with in bold.

Checking may be self-explanatory.

My entire life, literally, I have spent checking everything, not thinking it was strange…I just thought it is what everyone does.

What is frustrating is that many times OCD can be amplified by fears and anxiety, or in my case, having a phobia.

Since I was even as young as four or five I have been absolutely petrified of the dark. As a child, I had five or six night-lights at a time and my brother would pay me a quarter every time I would get rid of one.

I shared a wall with my parents growing up and whenever my mom would come in and tell me goodnight, the second she would shut the door, I would scream and cry and slam on their walls because I did not want to be alone in the dark.

Therefore, my OCD was amplified because of my phobia of the dark and of being harmed, and it has followed me forever. I never explained to anyone my rituals until finally my senior year of high school I told my mother that it had been taking me over an hour and a half to get myself into bed every night. This was because I had to check all around my room and the house before even attempting to try and fall asleep.

My fear of the dark and being harmed had driven me all the way to walking around and making sure every door in the house was locked two or three times before going upstairs, checking behind the shower curtains, and then once I got into my room I would look in my closet, in all the corners, under my bed, ect.

Then I would turn off the lights and do it all over again in the dark. After that, I would get in bed, and then get out of bed and do it again, until I had completed this ritual four or five times.

When I told my mom this I guess it was brought more to my attention that these things weren’t normal.

My OCD progressed so badly through out high school that I would not even attempt to go to sleep at night because of my phobia of the dark, and how long my rituals would take me.

Pure obsessions are when you have repeated, intrusive thoughts of harm and danger that cannot seem to escape your mind. The compulsions for this all happen mentally. This can entail replaying the disturbing thought or image over and over in your brain until you feel as though you have “perfected” or “fully understood” the situation.

So for me, I can distinctly remember since I was around ten years old having extremely vivid and gruesome dreams of being sexually violated.

As I entered into high school the dreams became worse and I would have them monthly, and then by the time I was going into my freshman year of college, they were happening weekly.

These dreams were so disturbing that I would wake up bawling and shaking.

I would run into my mom’s room, crying, and lay in her arms for almost an hour without speaking because I could not understand or vocalize how disturbed and disgusted I was.

And finally, the OCD that people have probably heard the least of, Scrupulosity.

This is when your OCD patterns enter into your spiritual life.

It is obsessing over the idea of offending God to even the mildest degree. Then, feeling the need to continually repent, and feel mass amounts of guilt to an unhealthy level.

When I first heard of this type of OCD, I flipped out.

It was right up my alley.

Through out my life I have continually felt this insane amount of pressure to be perfect, or else God would hate me and think I was less than.

If I messed up in even the slightest way, I would beat myself up for months.

This caused me to end relationships that I was scared were unhealthy and imperfect.

This drug me away from others because I could not handle not being in control.

This has controlled me.

OCD is controlling and unyielding.

The problem with mental illnesses is if they are not controlled, they WILL control.

OCD has run my life for years and I am just now realizing it.

It has been keeping me chained to anxiety.

It has caused me to be late to work, class, and vacations because of fear that I may have burned my house down.

It has caused me to have the darkest thoughts of pain and suffering that wake me up in anguish and agony.

And it has strayed me away from God time after time, fooling me that I am never going to be good enough.

But I cannot express my happiness, because I am fighting it, and I am winning.

I still 100% have obsessive thoughts, and yes I do have compulsions that I act on, but they are declining.

After reading books on my brain, making charts in counseling, and lots of self talk, I am at the point where I am able to get in bed within twenty minutes!

I am able to disregard hallucinations I may see, sounds I may hear, and images that may disturb me because I know it is my mind trying to trick me into fear.

And I am learning that I am a human being.

I am starting to understand myself, even the parts that make zero sense.

OCD can be battled.

Medication- it is a beautiful thing.

But, as a person who struggles with bipolar disorder, it can be viewed as an enemy. A prescription given to me to take away the feelings that I view as normal.

The feelings I have had for nineteen years.

After seven months of working up to the therapeutic level of Lamotrigine (lamictal), a mood stabilizer often given to those with bipolar disorder, I am truly feeling it.

It absorbs itself more within my bloodstream each and every day, taking away my highs and lows.

My times of being overly wired, hyper, talkative, engaged, introspective, and the list could go on, feel as though they have been brought down to a slower pace. And how does this make me feel?

Numb. Boring. Uncomfortable.

Yes, I am aware that people with bipolar disorder highly struggle with staying on their medication, because it takes them away from their different forms of mania.

People want to feel what they feel.

Their moments of feeling unstoppable, invincible, powerful, and alive.

Sometimes, taking this medication can make me feel like I am losing who I am.

So many thoughts run through my head saying, I don’t feel like I need this. I can handle myself. I wont have another hypomanic episode. I wont fall into a deep depression again. I wont lose control. I will be okay. I can be normal.

The tension that can come along with taking medication can be heart wrenching.

I feel as though I am having to learn a new way of life after spending nineteen years of being an insanely passionate, depressing, overly anxious, hyper, excessive human.

Now do not get me wrong, I will always carry these traits with me, but the lamictal will help to stabilize them.

Sounds like such a good thing right? Then why is it so hard to view it this way?

My mind whispers things to me about how I am being told to take this medication because I am supposed to “fit in.”

I have to take this medication to be “regular.”

My own judgmental and angry thoughts try to take me away from the point of my medication, which is to help me be safe and sustainable.

Half of the challenge of having a struggle related to mental health is choosing whether or not you are going to fight it.

It is so much easier to give in.

To not take my medication when no one is looking and then lie and say that I did.

To stop going to counseling.

To allow myself to go off the charts again.

To lay in bed until I am forced to get up.

To wallow in my own self pity for weeks, cry until I physically have no tears left, and reflect on my life, thinking about all the “what if” questions.

But the real challenge is standing up to myself.

I would have to say that I am by far my own worst enemy.

Therefore, I have to choose to have a stronger voice than my own whispers and thoughts.

I have to learn to tell myself the exact opposite of how I feel.

For the past month…I have felt numb.

Am I actually numb? No.

But my mind is used to vigorous peaks of hypomania and depths of depression.

This medication helps to keep me sane.

This medicine helps me to not be depressed.

This medication helps me to be stable.

But I have to force myself to see this bright side, or else all I can see in front of me is a pill that is trying to alter who I am.

I have always been so overly in touch with my emotions that I am terrified of the idea of feeling emotionless.

Emotions are a beautiful thing, but we can so easily abuse them.